During the third week of city budget mayhem, council Appropriations Committee members asked Centreplex acting interim hanging-by-a-thread general manager Michael Junod and bean counter Sonya Pittman-Mathis about increased personnel costs and purchases of equipment in their budget request for next year. "I'm feeling very misled where we were with the Centreplex," Councilman Calder Clay said. "I thought the Centreplex was that new building out on Bass Road." Officials need to prove the added expenses will generate revenue and help move the Centreplex toward operating in the black and also somewhere back into the city limits, Clay said.

Junod attributed increased personnel expenses to the administration's request in previous years that the Centreplex provide a Balanced-But-Bogus (BBB) budget request. To do that, officials submitted artificially low expense projections that were impossible to meet given stated goals and objectives. "When we are forced to provide a BBB budget, we have expenses and revenues, and we're going to make them equal on paper regardless of reality," Junod said. "BBB?!? What does the Better Business Bureau have to do with this?" Clay said.

The Centreplex's budget request for 2000 projects losses of about $1 million which are attributed to budgeted depreciation of equipment and additional expenses. The request includes facilities improvements, updated catering equipment and automatic flush valves for 210 toilets. "The toilets cannot be used in the catering business," Junod said. "We really need separate equipment for the catering." Included in the Centreplex's current budget request is $30,000 to hire the standard consultant to do the standard review of operations and supply another study to gather dust in dark catacombs under city hall.

The Centreplex has operated in the red since 1993, and will continue to do so unless expenses are cut or revenues are increased. "This revenue and expense talk and red and black color stuff is like rocket science, I just don't get it," said one appropriations committee member. "We didn't cover science too much in the Bibb schools I attended."

"What have we got to do over there to stop the bleeding?" Clay said. "Do we have a plan to stop the bleeding? Please say yes." Junod told Clay and the panel that his Centreplex budget contains no funding for tourniquets, bandages or gauze. "It's usually the county that partially funds indigent care at the Medical Center," Junod said.

Further assaults will be launched on the Centreplex's budget request Friday morning by the Appropriations Committee and more bleeding and casualties are expected.

Macon police ran out of paper targets at their pistol range in Macon Wednesday and improvised by using copies of Senator Charles Schumer's misleading report on criminal use of guns issued Tuesday. "It's so obvious that the report was misleading and incomplete, my 10-year-old laughed at the report," said Sgt. Jack Slater of the Macon Police department. "We're one of a very few localities that cooperate in gun tracings with the ATF. Naturally, the report would be skewed to appear that more guns originate here and in Georgia at large. My little boy spotted this flaw, but somehow the major media outlets missed that," Slater said. "Schumer is a farce and a yankee to boot," said 10-year-old Jack Slater, Jr. "My regression analysis shows that any stupid gun legislation emanating from Washington has a 90% probability that Schumer was involved, with a standard deviation of plus or minus 3 percent," the junior Slater said.

"We ran out of Schumer campaign posters months ago. So in a pinch, we used his latest worthless report for targets," Sgt. Slater said. "It's more satisfying to shoot these reports than standard silhouette targets, anyway."

A strident anti-gun pro-nut pro-fruit U.S. senator has labeled Georgia as the leading supplier of guns, peaches and peanuts to criminals in other states. He said that Georgia ranks third overall in supplying guns to criminals while the state is number one in supplying peaches and peanuts to criminals. One of the major gun suppliers was identified as an unnamed Macon gun dealer while several unnamed mid-state peach and peanut farms were also mentioned in Senator Schumer's report. Numerous unnamed third parties and middlemen intervened to place those guns in criminal hands but those factual details were omitted since they spoiled the alarmist nature of the story and were deemed too lengthy for TV and radio sound-bites.

Charles E. Schumer, D-N.Y., not to be confused with Charles E. Richardson , D-GA., issued a misleading report Tuesday based on incomplete numbers supplied by the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms of guns used in crimes across the country. Fifteen gun dealers in Georgia sold "a whole heap"of guns between 1996 and 1998, with "a whole bunch" of those coming from the same Macon store, according to Schumer's report. His report also condemned Georgia for providing nourishment and sustenance to criminals. "We know for a fact that Georgia supplies a major portion of the peanuts and peaches that criminals consume," Schumer said.

The Macon gun dealer's name and location were not released. "We don't intend to release the name," said Derek Roseman, deputy news secretary to the senator. "We would love to libel the dealer and supply innuendo that the owner was a criminal, but releasing his name would also imply that the dealer has good prices and that would bring in lots of new business. We're here to hassle gun-dealers, not help their sales."

ATF agents coerce area dealers to help blame crime on the gun-selling process. The majority of the guns eventually used in crimes are sold to people known as "straw purchasers," who buy guns for someone who is prohibited by law to own or buy a firearm, said Jackie Herndon of the Macon bureau of ATF. "Since it's difficult to rob and murder people while carrying a bale of straw, these straw purchasers typically sell their guns to other criminals." Those guns are then either used illegally here or trafficked up North, since yankee gangsters and drug dealers enjoy shooting each other as much as their southern counterparts.

Schumer's report mentions straw dealers but is primarily concerned with the gun dealerships. The gun dealerships are not really the problem and that's precisely why Schumer wants to hassle them. "Like gun dealers, straw dealers have nothing to do with crime, so we'll go after the straw dealers later and maybe even the straw purchasers," Schumer said. He plans to use the study to draft legislation that targets dealers who "actually enjoy the benefits of a capitalist society by providing a product people want to buy."

"One hundred percent of those dealers were responsible for at least zero percent of the crimes," said Jim Kessler, Schumer's policy director, who analyzed the numbers for the senator's report. Criminals are responsible for 100% of the crimes, but it's dang hard to do anything about that at the federal level," Kessler said. "We want to give the ATF police-state powers to shut down gun and straw dealers based on arbitrary rules and regulations. However, we might first need to change the agency name to Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Straw. We'll get the USDA involved to hassle peach and peanut farmers and maybe let them handle the straw, too," Kessler said. Schumer is sponsoring legislation, commonly known as the "Schumer Nuts and Fruits" bill, to require a five day waiting period on all peach and peanut products to allow time for criminal background checks. The legislation also includes funding to trace the fruits and nuts back to their source. "I know a lot about fruits and nuts," Schumer said.

Anthony B. "Tony the Tiger" Caldwell, chairman of the Bibb County Democratic Party, said he expects to have 200 to 250 Democratic candidates for each of the 15 council seats before qualifying ends Friday. Although no Republicans came forward Monday, Eric Griffin, chairman of the Bibb County Republican Party, said the GOP would field candidates for the four City Council seats now held by Republicans on the theory that if a miracle happened once here in Macon, it could happen again. "Who says lightning doesn't strike the same town twice?" Griffin said. "The search continues for more kamikaze-minded Republicans."

A variety of concerns have cropped up during the days-long hearings that will need to be addressed in the coming weeks - before the full council votes June 22 on the committee's budget mayhem. Councilman Melvyn Williams, who chairs the appropriations committee, and Councilman Calder Clay said they want more squirming and suffering for Mayor Jim Marshall's proposals to decrease the city's millage rate, to increase the solid-waste fee and reorganize several departments. "I think these things call for a little more, you know, stirring the pot," Williams said. "If we can get our way, I think we can bring this (budget) process to a quick end---some time halfway into the new fiscal year."

A public heckling on Marshall's proposed $73.7 million budget is scheduled for June 14 which will also be Flag Day in Flag City. "We'll recruit hecklers from the flag celebration to raise cane and shout 'Marshall's a moron!'" Williams said. A week later, the full council will vote on the unrecognizable budgets approved by the appropriations committee at a special called meeting. The meetings have been called "a circle jerk," a "three-ring circus" and a "fire-drill of Asian origin" among other names.

In the last two weeks, the committee has slaughtered the budgets from about 20 city departments and agencies. There will be additional presentations this week but Clay said he's growing weary of the Gong Show format. Clay said he is looking forward to blasting officials from the Cherry Blossom Festival and the Macon Centreplex, among others. "It's a real hoot to shoot those guys out of the saddle," Clay said. "We can nit-pick every line item until they beg for mercy." Upcoming favorite political footballs include the Municipal court, followed by the Douglass Theatre, the Macon-Bibb Fire department and the Urban Development Authority. "We'd like to see how many more departments we can assign to Chester Wheeler before he burns out," Williams said.

The next budget hearing will be a 10-man battle royal where the last department head standing gets the budget he or she requested. "This is a new concept," Clay said, "We're really looking forward to the entertainment. Next year, we're considering swords and lions for a full blown gladiator show."

Macon and Bibb County officials had nominated at least forty-seven people for the Georgia Regional Intrastate Transportation Syndicate (GRITS) and were campaigning as recently as last week for at least half of the syndicate's 15 seats. But Gov. Roy Barnes opted to give 13 of the 15 seats to prominent metro Atlanta cronies, while throwing a bone to one Albany big shot and a major campaign contributor from Dallas, Georgia. "These appointments bring a lot of expertise to the table," said Barnes spokeswoman Joselyn Butler. "We have lawyers, convenience store owners, civil rights leaders and adult nightclub owners who really know transportation issues."

Bibb County Commission chairman Larry Justice said Thursday he was "surprised" and "frankly ticked off" by the governor's decision on what could arguably be the most important board in state government. "This particular syndicate was very important to us in Macon, simply because we could pass the buck for unpopular transportation programs to state government," Justice said. "Besides, we wanted a Macon representative to show off how well we can implement roads programs."

At the governor's request, the General Assembly passed legislation earlier this year giving broad powers to GRITS in the 13-county area of metro Atlanta and, eventually, to punish enemies statewide by arbitrarily cutting off state funds and "paving any darned thing they want to." "The syndicate can also hassle any locality about pollution standards," Butler said.

Macon Mayor Jim Marshall said he was not surprised by the governor's appointments. "I knew Roy would snub us from the get-go. Ever since Larry's (commission chairman Justice) dog peed on the governor's limo and bit his chauffeur at a fund-raising barbeque, I knew we were toast," Marshall said.

Barnes was conveniently vacationing out of the country when the appointments were announced and could not be reached for comment. But Butler defended the appointments. "Obviously, not every city could be included," she said, "can you imagine the bickering in a government body larger than Macon's city council?"

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins